1 00:00:02,687 --> 00:00:05,520 2 00:00:06,047 --> 00:00:09,039 3 00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:12,444 4 00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:16,198 5 00:00:16,527 --> 00:00:20,486 6 00:00:20,727 --> 00:00:24,037 7 00:00:24,247 --> 00:00:27,796 8 00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:30,681 9 00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:07,197 You nearly finished with that? I've got some letters to write 10 00:01:07,287 --> 00:01:12,600 Hey! Listen to this It's from Mr Hithercroft 11 00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:15,481 You know, that old bloke with the monocle 12 00:01:15,567 --> 00:01:20,163 He says, ''Thank you so much for showing me around your house last Thursday 13 00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:22,716 ''It is a truly delightful property 14 00:01:22,807 --> 00:01:27,801 ''and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely 15 00:01:29,607 --> 00:01:33,646 ''I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera 16 00:01:34,007 --> 00:01:38,364 ''as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude 17 00:01:41,047 --> 00:01:45,245 ''I have a wide collection of World War II gas masks 18 00:01:45,447 --> 00:01:48,086 ''which, if you are agreeable, we'' 19 00:01:50,007 --> 00:01:51,520 Oh, dear 20 00:01:51,927 --> 00:01:53,963 I think I feel sick 21 00:01:55,327 --> 00:01:59,923 -It sounds quite promising, then? -Sounds quite I beg your pardon 22 00:02:00,007 --> 00:02:03,283 Well, it's only a bit of fun, presumably You never know, he might be serious 23 00:02:03,367 --> 00:02:04,846 We are desperate 24 00:02:04,927 --> 00:02:07,487 We're not that bloody desperate 25 00:02:08,327 --> 00:02:11,364 In any case, it's addressed to you 26 00:02:11,447 --> 00:02:12,800 What? 27 00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:16,004 What's that? A diary you're starting up now? 28 00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:19,966 (CLEARING THROAT) Yeah Just finished There you are All yours 29 00:02:22,287 --> 00:02:25,279 ''Rub each other's thighs with Swarfega'' 30 00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:36,516 VICTOR: Welcome back to suburbia 31 00:02:40,207 --> 00:02:44,200 Yeah, they put these new lampposts up at last, I see 32 00:02:44,407 --> 00:02:46,363 How are your feet? Still burning? 33 00:02:46,887 --> 00:02:48,081 Burning? 34 00:02:48,167 --> 00:02:52,126 I may have to stick them under the toaster when I get in to cool them down 35 00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:55,844 Blisters are bursting all over now I can feel them 36 00:02:56,247 --> 00:03:00,445 I think it's safe to say I won't be doing much tap-dancing over the next few weeks 37 00:03:02,607 --> 00:03:05,758 Oh, look at that! 38 00:03:12,047 --> 00:03:16,484 You know who this is, don't you? That new mob who's moved into number 1 0 39 00:03:17,007 --> 00:03:20,238 Little buggers I'll wring their necks when I 40 00:03:20,927 --> 00:03:22,519 There they are now 41 00:03:22,607 --> 00:03:23,835 Oi, you! 42 00:03:24,727 --> 00:03:29,357 What's this? My bloody front garden doubling up as Trent Bridge now, is it? 43 00:03:29,567 --> 00:03:33,242 If you ask nicely, I'll set up a sight screen in the dining room for you! 44 00:03:33,327 --> 00:03:35,761 Oh, why don't you sod off down a sewer? 45 00:03:36,647 --> 00:03:40,640 Don't you tell me to sod off down a sewer, you cocky little tyke 46 00:03:40,727 --> 00:03:43,321 Five seconds we've been back 47 00:03:43,927 --> 00:03:47,602 -He's going to tell his dad about you -Yeah, what's he going to do about it? 48 00:03:47,687 --> 00:03:50,804 -You'll soon find out He hates your guts -Yeah 49 00:03:50,887 --> 00:03:53,640 Well, you can tell him from me that the feeling is mutual 50 00:03:53,727 --> 00:03:56,719 -Oh, you miserable old bleeder -Oh, you miserable old git 51 00:03:57,687 --> 00:04:01,202 BOYS: 52 00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:06,323 You won't have much to sing about 53 00:04:06,407 --> 00:04:10,320 when I've finished cuffing you round the ears with that cricket bat 54 00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:15,042 Cheeky little bastards 55 00:04:29,527 --> 00:04:33,679 Someone's been at these grapes There was 24 here when we left 56 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:37,206 It's the last time I let him come round to feed the fish 57 00:04:37,287 --> 00:04:40,996 And I bet you anything you like he spat the pips out as well 58 00:04:42,487 --> 00:04:44,717 Yeah There's one there Look 59 00:04:45,847 --> 00:04:47,678 And there's another one 60 00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:55,399 PIPPA: Hello! 61 00:04:57,127 --> 00:04:58,321 Hello? 62 00:04:58,407 --> 00:05:00,398 You both have a nice time? 63 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,879 Bit of a heat wave down that way, wasn't there, by all accounts? 64 00:05:03,967 --> 00:05:07,437 Yeah, I'm afraid Victor came a bit of a cropper with his feet 65 00:05:07,527 --> 00:05:12,681 Left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep and burnt the soles like I can't tell you 66 00:05:20,047 --> 00:05:23,881 He's been shuffling around like Toulouse-Lautrec now for five days 67 00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:30,283 -Oh, dear Where exactly did this happen then? -Oh, while we were on the beach 68 00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,359 Luckily, there was another chap there from the same hotel 69 00:05:33,447 --> 00:05:36,200 who very kindly dragged him back to the car 70 00:05:36,607 --> 00:05:39,075 Otherwise I don't know what we would have done 71 00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,725 Oh, hang on a minute 72 00:05:40,807 --> 00:05:42,365 Should be Yes 73 00:05:42,887 --> 00:05:44,559 Here we are 74 00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:47,686 Look 75 00:05:49,527 --> 00:05:51,722 -He looks nice -Yes 76 00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:55,520 He was 77 00:05:56,247 --> 00:05:59,478 His name's Ben He lives in North London 78 00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:03,156 Yes He was a lot of fun 79 00:06:04,007 --> 00:06:07,124 Well, anyway, I think your fish are all present and correct 80 00:06:07,207 --> 00:06:09,596 None of them coughing up blood or anything 81 00:06:10,447 --> 00:06:13,837 Oh, your mail's all in the kitchen so I'd better scoot 82 00:06:13,927 --> 00:06:15,804 -All right -I'll see you later, I expect 83 00:06:15,887 --> 00:06:19,004 -Yes, and thanks for everything, Pippa -Okay, bye 84 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,884 (TOILET FLUSHING) 85 00:06:23,447 --> 00:06:26,723 Edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold 86 00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:30,321 Next time I'll get something to kneel on 87 00:06:30,407 --> 00:06:31,920 (PHONE RINGING) 88 00:06:41,687 --> 00:06:43,040 4291 89 00:06:43,887 --> 00:06:44,956 Yes? 90 00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,636 What? 91 00:06:48,127 --> 00:06:51,756 Yes, I did, and I'll bloody well shout at them again if I feel like it 92 00:06:51,847 --> 00:06:54,839 Have you seen what they've done to my window? 93 00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,404 I don't care! You should bring them up better! 94 00:07:00,367 --> 00:07:03,165 Bloody family of yobs! 95 00:07:04,047 --> 00:07:08,120 Never done a day's work since they moved in either if it comes to that 96 00:07:08,207 --> 00:07:10,880 I think Mrs Aylesbury said he was a painter or something 97 00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:12,639 Got a job with the brewery 98 00:07:12,727 --> 00:07:14,638 What as? A piss ar 99 00:07:15,687 --> 00:07:17,166 What the hell? 100 00:07:18,247 --> 00:07:19,885 Where did 101 00:07:21,367 --> 00:07:22,641 Terrific 102 00:07:23,207 --> 00:07:25,926 Yes, it's really wonderful to be home 103 00:08:08,047 --> 00:08:10,959 What was all that racket out there in the night? 104 00:08:11,847 --> 00:08:15,123 People banging about and giggling Did you hear it? 105 00:08:15,487 --> 00:08:19,605 I didn't hear anything, and how long do we have to put up with this vile object up here? 106 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,766 It's like something out of Lord of the Flies. 107 00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:29,362 What's the matter with it? I thought it was rather unusual 108 00:08:29,447 --> 00:08:30,880 You're unusual 109 00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:36,121 Strange, isn't it? Other people bring back sticks of rock or seashells But no 110 00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:39,484 You've been in that mood ever since we got back last week 111 00:08:39,567 --> 00:08:42,001 Holidays can't last forever, you know 112 00:08:44,327 --> 00:08:47,444 -Did you bring the milk in? -I haven't had a chance 113 00:08:52,687 --> 00:08:54,200 (PHONE RINGING) 114 00:08:58,087 --> 00:08:59,315 4291 115 00:09:01,127 --> 00:09:02,401 Oh 116 00:09:02,487 --> 00:09:04,000 Oh, hello 117 00:09:07,807 --> 00:09:09,718 What a lovely surprise 118 00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:19,005 I don't believe 119 00:09:36,207 --> 00:09:39,563 And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals! 120 00:09:45,847 --> 00:09:48,520 -I mean, what the hell is it? -It's a cake 121 00:09:49,487 --> 00:09:51,682 Yes, thank you I can see it's a cake 122 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,917 I didn't think it was Douglas Hurd's underpants 123 00:09:54,007 --> 00:09:56,805 I mean, what was it doing on our front doorstep? 124 00:09:56,887 --> 00:10:00,402 Mr Arnold Larkspur, 1 7 River's Bank 125 00:10:00,487 --> 00:10:02,921 Oh, yes We had a letter for him the other day 126 00:10:03,007 --> 00:10:06,636 That's that new block of old people's flats up near the park 127 00:10:06,767 --> 00:10:09,520 You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up 128 00:10:09,607 --> 00:10:11,518 I don't see why They're completely different 129 00:10:11,607 --> 00:10:15,759 I mean we're River Bank, they're River's Bank One's got an ''apostrophe s'' 130 00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:20,443 Don't let him dribble all over it Take him out for his walk or something 131 00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:23,924 Yes, you have been dribbling a lot lately, haven't you? 132 00:10:24,007 --> 00:10:27,716 Perhaps it's something to do with accidentally swallowing that little key 133 00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:30,560 in Mr Meldrew's back garden the other week, hmm? 134 00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:34,276 It wouldn't surprise me if you had trained him to do that 135 00:10:34,687 --> 00:10:40,125 The poor man hasn't been able to undo the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight 136 00:10:40,687 --> 00:10:42,439 Yes, it is a shame, isn't it? 137 00:10:42,527 --> 00:10:47,123 Still, never mind, I'm sure it'll work its way through in the fullness of time 138 00:10:47,207 --> 00:10:48,879 Won't it, Denzil? 139 00:10:50,207 --> 00:10:53,279 Evil Pathologically evil 140 00:10:57,847 --> 00:11:00,236 Ah, Mr Meldrew The very man 141 00:11:00,687 --> 00:11:02,996 I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all? 142 00:11:03,087 --> 00:11:05,965 Well, I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here 143 00:11:06,487 --> 00:11:09,524 I made a point of saving them all up for you while you were away 144 00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,237 How very thoughtful of you 145 00:11:13,887 --> 00:11:15,115 Yes 146 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:18,643 And Pippa said to give you these Marigold rubber gloves 147 00:11:20,367 --> 00:11:23,916 I think they're the right size Anything else you might require? 148 00:11:24,007 --> 00:11:25,406 A pair of tweezers or 149 00:11:25,487 --> 00:11:27,796 Thank you I think I can manage 150 00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:29,316 Good 151 00:11:31,287 --> 00:11:34,563 Well, I'll leave you to it, then Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew 152 00:12:14,727 --> 00:12:16,479 (TYRES SCREECHING) 153 00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,286 (CRASHING) 154 00:12:18,367 --> 00:12:19,925 (GLASS SHATTERING) 155 00:12:30,127 --> 00:12:35,759 Mr Meldrew, sorry to interrupt I think you'd better come out the front 156 00:12:36,167 --> 00:12:41,560 A big milk tanker's just ploughed into that new lamppost outside your house 157 00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:44,886 I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage 158 00:12:45,407 --> 00:12:47,159 What sort of damage? 159 00:12:57,607 --> 00:13:01,805 It's no good I'm going to have to get something to cover my eyes 160 00:13:03,367 --> 00:13:07,645 Think I've got that complementary Dan-Air mask in here somewhere 161 00:13:08,647 --> 00:13:10,797 Bloody milk tanker 162 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:15,280 I mean, what speed was he doing in the first place, for God's sake? 163 00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:19,716 I'm going to be suing that dairy for every penny they've got I can tell you that 164 00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:21,877 Oh, God 165 00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:26,757 There must be something better in life than this 166 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:30,635 It's not my fault if people treat our estate like a Scalextric track 167 00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:34,276 I'd have put a pair of trousers over it but it'd probably burn a hole in the seat 168 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:39,043 Morning, noon and night If it's not one thing, it's another 169 00:13:39,127 --> 00:13:42,164 Well, that's the way the world is today, I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it 170 00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:43,362 Am I? 171 00:13:46,687 --> 00:13:48,598 What do you mean, ''am I?'' 172 00:13:50,687 --> 00:13:52,996 I don't know what I mean 173 00:14:11,327 --> 00:14:15,923 You won't forget to put the dustbin out later, will you? Only they won't empty it otherwise 174 00:14:16,007 --> 00:14:17,281 Yes 175 00:14:18,807 --> 00:14:24,484 And, um, I may be late back tonight because I'm going to have a drink with someone 176 00:14:24,607 --> 00:14:26,279 Oh, yes? Who's that? 177 00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:29,404 Oh Just a friend who asked me if I wanted to 178 00:14:29,487 --> 00:14:32,365 Do you have to stick that thing down there? 179 00:14:32,727 --> 00:14:36,720 Sorry I thought I'd try changing the plug I've tried everything else 180 00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:39,886 Just because I want to watch the UEFA Cup final tonight 181 00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:41,685 Absolutely typical 182 00:14:42,527 --> 00:14:46,725 Right So don't feel you have to wait up or anything 183 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:51,405 -And I'll see you later -Right Have a good time Bye 184 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,684 Get in there, you 185 00:14:56,207 --> 00:14:57,925 That's got you 186 00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,203 Now then 187 00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:04,039 where have you gone? 188 00:15:10,447 --> 00:15:12,881 I don't believe it 189 00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:20,802 There we are That's the letter to the dairy expressing my views on their tanker drivers 190 00:15:21,127 --> 00:15:24,403 I hope you can read the writing I got a bit carried away once I got started 191 00:15:24,487 --> 00:15:26,045 No, it all seems fine 192 00:15:26,127 --> 00:15:28,925 I'll get it all typed up professionally on Patrick's computer 193 00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:31,999 It'll carry a lot more weight You off out now, then? 194 00:15:32,087 --> 00:15:34,681 Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal with some old biddy 195 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,442 so I thought I'd pop down to the pub and see the match since the telly's conked out 196 00:15:38,527 --> 00:15:40,404 All right, I'll get this back to you tomorrow then 197 00:15:40,487 --> 00:15:43,524 -Right That's great Thanks very much Bye -Bye 198 00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,564 AMBULANCE WOMAN: That's the ticket 199 00:16:30,327 --> 00:16:32,887 There we are, my lovely 200 00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:37,077 Had a bit of trouble finding your house, didn't we? 201 00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:40,757 Yes Got ourselves into a right old pickle 202 00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:43,759 1 9 River's Bank This is definitely the one 203 00:16:43,847 --> 00:16:45,599 Hello? Anybody home? 204 00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:50,356 Mr Staveacre, we've brought your wife back from the hospital 205 00:16:50,447 --> 00:16:53,166 Perhaps he's in the garden or something 206 00:16:53,247 --> 00:16:56,796 She's still very sedated I think we should put her straight to bed 207 00:16:56,887 --> 00:17:00,163 Up we go This way That's it 208 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:04,402 Up we go And that's it 209 00:17:04,487 --> 00:17:08,799 Nasty old accident they've had up there with that lamppost, eh? And no mistake 210 00:17:32,207 --> 00:17:33,526 Thank you 211 00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,678 -Margaret -Hello, Ben 212 00:17:38,327 --> 00:17:41,444 -You're looking radiant -Well, I don't feel it 213 00:17:41,887 --> 00:17:43,161 Thank you 214 00:17:46,407 --> 00:17:49,399 This past week has been one long horror story 215 00:17:49,847 --> 00:17:54,159 I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all The holiday and you 216 00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:57,557 Oh, waiter, this isn't properly chilled 217 00:17:57,647 --> 00:18:00,286 -Would you bring us another, please? -Certainly, sir 218 00:18:00,687 --> 00:18:04,282 I always think there's nothing worse than warm champagne 219 00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:05,921 Especially tonight 220 00:18:06,847 --> 00:18:08,917 It's good to see you again 221 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:22,405 Five-nil 222 00:18:24,127 --> 00:18:27,244 Wish I'd stayed at home and read a bloody book 223 00:18:46,487 --> 00:18:47,966 Bloody thing 224 00:18:49,647 --> 00:18:52,445 If the council don't come round about that tomorrow, 225 00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:55,280 I'm going to take a hammer and smash that bulb in 226 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,756 I've just about had enough of it 227 00:19:18,487 --> 00:19:20,284 Are you awake? 228 00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:22,198 Did you have a nice time tonight? 229 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:23,686 (MURMURING) 230 00:19:30,047 --> 00:19:35,167 and by now, he's virtually at war with every neighbour on the estate 231 00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:37,522 -Talk about never a dull moment -I know 232 00:19:37,607 --> 00:19:39,837 He's just frightful, isn't he? 233 00:19:40,407 --> 00:19:43,205 I don't know why you should have to put up with it 234 00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:45,795 Costa Rican or Columbian? 235 00:19:45,887 --> 00:19:48,481 -What do you mean? -Columbian 236 00:19:48,967 --> 00:19:53,722 Well, 35 years saddled to that 237 00:19:55,207 --> 00:19:58,722 He always reminds me of one of those psychopathic killers 238 00:19:58,807 --> 00:20:00,877 in the Chamber of Horrors 239 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:03,276 Is it the Brides in the Bath chap? 240 00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:08,122 Mind you, married to him, most women would be leaping head first into the acid 241 00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:13,644 How you've stuck it all these years, I find quite astonishing 242 00:20:13,727 --> 00:20:15,046 Someone 243 00:20:15,487 --> 00:20:18,047 as warm and sensitive 244 00:20:20,327 --> 00:20:24,240 It's never too late, Margaret, even at our time of life, 245 00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:25,999 to change direction 246 00:20:43,247 --> 00:20:44,919 What was that for? 247 00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:48,840 Just kissing you goodbye, Ben 248 00:20:48,927 --> 00:20:50,519 What do you mean? 249 00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:53,280 It's like Christmas presents, isn't it? 250 00:20:53,687 --> 00:20:59,080 They always look so exciting and full of promise sitting there under the Christmas tree 251 00:20:59,167 --> 00:21:02,477 And then once you've opened them, all the mystery's gone 252 00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:06,003 Be much better to leave them as they are with their wrapping paper on 253 00:21:06,087 --> 00:21:08,760 That way you'll never be disappointed 254 00:21:09,247 --> 00:21:12,444 And I think we should leave our wrapping paper on 255 00:21:13,327 --> 00:21:16,524 Because one of us is going to end up being cruelly rejected 256 00:21:16,607 --> 00:21:18,802 and I couldn't bear that to happen 257 00:21:18,887 --> 00:21:20,479 But how can you say that? 258 00:21:20,567 --> 00:21:23,161 If you don't reject me, I would never reject you 259 00:21:24,207 --> 00:21:26,516 I meant one of the three of us 260 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:31,803 You talk about being sensitive I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble 261 00:21:32,567 --> 00:21:35,923 He's the most sensitive person I've ever met 262 00:21:36,647 --> 00:21:38,603 and that's why I love him, 263 00:21:38,687 --> 00:21:42,362 and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen 264 00:21:44,127 --> 00:21:47,358 I've had a lovely time tonight, Ben, and now I'm going 265 00:21:47,447 --> 00:21:48,846 -Margaret, you -Oh 266 00:21:48,927 --> 00:21:52,602 Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne? 267 00:21:52,847 --> 00:21:53,916 No 268 00:21:54,967 --> 00:21:56,320 No 269 00:21:56,407 --> 00:21:58,557 I really don't think you do 270 00:22:09,607 --> 00:22:11,518 (DOORBELL RINGING) 271 00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:17,159 (VICTOR GROANING) 272 00:22:17,247 --> 00:22:20,239 Who the hell is that at this hour? 273 00:22:21,327 --> 00:22:23,238 All right I'll go 274 00:22:46,807 --> 00:22:50,482 VICTOR: All right, all right, all right Keep your shirt on 275 00:22:55,487 --> 00:22:58,445 What were you doing leaving the catch on? 276 00:22:58,847 --> 00:23:01,361 How do you expect me to get back in? 277 00:23:05,327 --> 00:23:06,965 (STAMMERING) 278 00:23:08,807 --> 00:23:10,957 Sorry I'm later than I said 279 00:23:19,887 --> 00:23:23,641 I suppose you were starting to worry where I'd got to Well 280 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:30,524 it's a bit of a story and I might as well come clean and tell you 281 00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:32,279 (TOILET FLUSHING) 282 00:24:13,927 --> 00:24:16,566 Who is she? 283 00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:21,681 (STAMMERING) 284 00:24:23,767 --> 00:24:25,997 Have you Have you been 285 00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:31,159 You haven't been sleeping with this? Who is she? 286 00:24:32,607 --> 00:24:35,246 I thought it was you 287 00:24:38,567 --> 00:24:40,797 Thank you very much 288 00:24:44,447 --> 00:24:46,199 Where did she come from? 289 00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:50,838 And what on earth is she doing? And why the bloody hell am I whispering? 290 00:24:51,047 --> 00:24:52,844 This is my bedroom 291 00:24:52,927 --> 00:24:55,487 I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it? 292 00:24:55,567 --> 00:24:59,321 To come home and find your husband has taken up necrophilia 293 00:25:02,247 --> 00:25:07,401 Excuse me! Do you mind if I ask what you're doing here? 294 00:25:08,287 --> 00:25:09,879 (SCREAMING) 295 00:25:10,487 --> 00:25:15,880 My God, no, no, no It's all right Calm down No one's going to harm you 296 00:25:15,967 --> 00:25:17,480 (SHRIEKING) 297 00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:20,324 It's all right It's all 298 00:25:20,407 --> 00:25:21,886 (SHRIEKING) 299 00:25:22,247 --> 00:25:24,397 PATRICK: Oh, my God 300 00:25:24,967 --> 00:25:28,846 -This is absolutely macabre -PIPPA: What is? 301 00:25:29,847 --> 00:25:32,600 It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses, 302 00:25:32,687 --> 00:25:37,317 but there appears to be some sort of wild creature crawling out onto that lamppost 303 00:25:37,567 --> 00:25:40,001 It's all wrinkled and horrible 304 00:25:41,247 --> 00:25:43,442 Like something out of that Ken Russell movie 305 00:25:43,527 --> 00:25:45,597 The Lair of the White Worm. 306 00:25:46,047 --> 00:25:47,799 I need a tissue 307 00:25:48,127 --> 00:25:50,766 Oh, hang on Meldrew's come to the window now 308 00:25:51,087 --> 00:25:54,124 I think he's trying to coax it back in with a biscuit 309 00:25:55,927 --> 00:25:58,680 My God, I've a shrewd idea it's a woman 310 00:25:59,687 --> 00:26:02,599 What is this, Patrick? 311 00:26:04,167 --> 00:26:06,840 You've had this all along, haven't you? 312 00:26:07,287 --> 00:26:11,724 You've deliberately made him keep searching through all those disgusting 313 00:26:12,367 --> 00:26:14,323 I don't believe you 314 00:26:14,887 --> 00:26:16,878 How long has this been in here? 315 00:26:20,127 --> 00:26:23,802 He coughed it up Um, it must have been 316 00:26:24,487 --> 00:26:27,797 few minutes after he swallowed it and I just 317 00:26:30,487 --> 00:26:32,637 I was going to give it back 318 00:26:34,127 --> 00:26:35,480 eventually 319 00:26:37,447 --> 00:26:39,597 So there we are 320 00:26:39,927 --> 00:26:43,476 I'm sorry about all the to-do over it, 321 00:26:43,567 --> 00:26:46,400 -but dogs will be dogs, I suppose -Yeah 322 00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:49,605 Well, thank you That's just the job, isn't it? 323 00:26:51,687 --> 00:26:54,247 That was kind of Patrick, wasn't it? 324 00:26:54,487 --> 00:26:58,446 To get it back for you and clean it up and everything 325 00:26:59,527 --> 00:27:00,676 Hmm? 326 00:27:02,447 --> 00:27:03,721 Oh, yes 327 00:27:05,007 --> 00:27:06,759 Thank you very much 328 00:27:15,127 --> 00:27:18,085 -So all's well again, I hope -I hope so 329 00:27:18,167 --> 00:27:19,759 Oh, your letter 330 00:27:19,847 --> 00:27:23,078 I've only just printed it up so I haven't had time to check it through, 331 00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:26,398 -but I don't think there'll be any mistakes -Thanks very much 332 00:27:26,487 --> 00:27:29,285 -Thanks very much for the coffee -Oh, our pleasure 333 00:27:29,367 --> 00:27:31,403 -Bye then -Bye-bye, Pippa 334 00:27:32,167 --> 00:27:33,680 Yes, thank you 335 00:27:38,607 --> 00:27:40,723 Well, that seemed to go quite well 336 00:27:40,807 --> 00:27:44,766 Perhaps now at last we can resume normal neighbourly relations 337 00:27:44,847 --> 00:27:45,962 Hmm 338 00:27:46,487 --> 00:27:48,637 What was that letter you said you typed up for him? 339 00:27:48,727 --> 00:27:50,877 Oh, just a letter to the dairy 340 00:27:50,967 --> 00:27:54,960 About compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamppost 341 00:27:55,047 --> 00:27:58,722 It was only a couple of pages You didn't mind, did you? 342 00:27:59,807 --> 00:28:01,160 Dairy? 343 00:28:02,727 --> 00:28:04,206 Oh, my God, no 344 00:28:05,847 --> 00:28:09,044 You didn't name the file ''Dairy''? 345 00:28:09,567 --> 00:28:15,358 Why? What was wrong with that? What's the matter now? What's happened? 346 00:28:17,407 --> 00:28:18,681 Oh, no 347 00:28:19,407 --> 00:28:20,681 I didn't 348 00:28:22,127 --> 00:28:24,163 I'm rather afraid you did 349 00:28:29,847 --> 00:28:32,839 350 00:28:33,087 --> 00:28:36,284 351 00:28:36,527 --> 00:28:39,644 352 00:28:40,047 --> 00:28:43,323 353 00:28:43,487 --> 00:28:46,479 354 00:28:47,087 --> 00:28:49,999 355 00:28:50,527 --> 00:28:53,644 356 00:28:54,007 --> 00:28:57,124 357 00:28:57,487 --> 00:29:01,275 358 00:29:01,367 --> 00:29:04,803 359 00:29:04,887 --> 00:29:08,675 and I can still misbehave 360 00:29:08,767 --> 00:29:11,122 361 00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:14,761 362 00:29:15,807 --> 00:29:18,446